You have to have humour to work in maintenance...

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never

let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'

pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)

by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

+++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

+++

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

+++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

+++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

+++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

+++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

+++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

+++

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

+++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

+++

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

+++

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

+++

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

+++

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

+++

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Fighting Your Moral Decay With Censordyne

I don't know if you guys know about this, but the Australian Government is spending $44 million on a "safer internet for Australia". They're trying to put into place some great big censorship which will PROTECT the wee babes of Australia from accidentally clicking onto something untoward when their parents aren't supervising their computer time. Yes, that's right. First, they're stupid enough to think that they can censor the internet and that the rest of us won't find some way around it, but secondly, they're dumb enough to spend $44 million creating an "internet filter" which will be rendered ineffective approximately an hour after it's finished, due to the ever-changing nature of the internet. Waaaayyyyyy to go, Australian Government. Of course, being Australians and living in a country that is utterly perfect, we have absolutely no need for that $44 million to be channelled into something useful, like, I don't know... upgrading medical facilities, looking after our elderly, getting kids off the streets, improving education, helping the homeless... We don't have problems like that in Australia, you see, so we have to spend all of our hard-earned dollars on creating a filter for a problem that we don't have.

Sarcasm aside, there's a FANTASTIC website that really puts into words how Australia really feels about the whole debacle. Ladies and Gentleman of the Internet, I give you:

CENSORDYNE.

Before we had the internet the world was a peaceful and safe place. Now with the internet it's mean and nasty.

Some sources tell us that the boogy monster actually lives in the internet.

From dentists, to news sources, to private conversations, there is plenty to be scared of online.

But don't worry, here at the Federal Government we have been working hard to protect you from the internet and that's why we've created Censordyne.

The internet is an amazing place. But here at the Federal Government we think it's a little too amazing.

That's why we've developed Censordyne - a mandatory way to censor the internet.

Censordyne lets the Government decide what you can and can't do online. From what you buy to how you communicate and even what you read.

Censordyne, developed in our secret Internet laboratory:

Offers protection against fast Internet
Is mandatory, for a cleaner feed
Reduces your democratic protections
Pretends to fight moral decay

All with a fresh multi-million dollar flavour.